Conred, King of Comparison: “Really, you’re going to wear Spandex?”
Me: “Shut up! What else would you wear to work out in? Anyway, what’s wrong with me wearing Spandex?”
Conred: “After all these years, you still have to ask me that? With that belly?”
Me: “Listen, Conred, I‘m over you. I don’t compare anymore. I’m 62 and know better than to keep looking at other’s belly’s for my worth (belly = touchstone for an old childhood shaming incident)…to see if mine is somewhat as flat as theirs…at least when I suck it in. Crap, I got a huge cramp yesterday doing it so long. Anyway, I noticed 5 others that had a little poochiness like me, and wearing Spandex….so I’m not so bad.”
Conred, pompously sneering: “Oh, Yeah, you’re really over comparing. And what if there weren’t those other 5 poochies?”
Me: “Leave me alone. I’m having a week moment this month. I can’t believe I sink back to these old habits and comparisons. Honestly, I haven’t done that for some time now. I know better, I just don’t feel, uh, exuberant this month.”
Conred: “Give it up. One low thought and you know I command you. You’ll never get rid of me.”
Me: “You might hover around me, but I know how to shut you up. I just got lazy. I just fell back into old habits, you’re like ‘comparing worms’ slugging around in my brain.”
Conred: “That’s true, I specialize in slithering around your good self-esteem work. Proving I’m not to be outdone.”
Me: “No, but I can use you to keep learning. Every time you overtake me I know 2 things. I’m not doing what I love, and I forget my unique talent I love to offer naturally. I do know that when I’m feeling full, I never criticize my body.
Let’s see: Right now I’m missing singing because the choir is off during summer, I’m missing teaching and meeting new people. This happens every summer. I seem to tie my worth to that. But I know my worth is there no matter what, let me go deeper.
During summer, there is a lot of time for me to fill. I like time off, but I guess I compare being busy with others to self-importance. I guess I’m just missing people. Ok so far so good.
Second thing is not using my gift of seeing the ‘diamonds’ in others and being able to articulate it to them through my work. This also involves others. Hmm…”
Tellaga, (my intuition): “Your gift needs time off to nurture itself. Doing nothing is doing something. This is polishing your own diamond. Enjoy and interact with yourSelf as well. Allow the emptiness of your days to fill you with new ideas, and let them unfold how they want. Synchronicities will pop up. If you fixate, you miss them.
It’s a good time for you to write. Keep enjoying your dance class. But for God’s sake, quit looking at others bellies and yours. Do a little behavior mod and catch yourself; when you look, pinch yourself hard and simply stop, and dammit wear Spandex!”
Me: “Thanks Tellaga, and even you freekin’ Conred. Geez, will I ever grow up?”
Update: It took three days of hard pinching, but Conred is gone and I feel like a wise and happy 62 year old once again….for now. And that synchronicity happened. I’ve started my second book in the Self-thrilled series. Just got to step aside and let happen what wants to happen.
For more information about Conred, King of Comparison and Tellaga and other archetypes in your life, buy her book, Goodbye Self-Critical, Hello Self-Thrilled, Book #1 of her Self-Thrilled Series. Book #2 under construction.
Joyce Anderson, Conversations with YourSelf, Intuition Educator, Author and Radio Host